So you want to pick up smoking hot chicks like a bad ass? Then follow this easy five step guide for guaranteed success.
Things you'll need:
* Knee length leather jacket
* Some spare change
* A cell phone
* balls
Step #1. "Grandpa's loose change"
Women run in herds to avoid having the weak ones picked off. This is easily overcome by employing the "Grandpa's loose change" attack. Essentially, all "small brains" (as they are referred by scientists) are simple money whores. They are easily distracted by money and shiny, noisy objects so take some coins and toss them on the floor near the herd. You're in.
Step 2: The Jacket
You now have their attention. Say something subtle to get them to notice your bad ass knee length leather jacket. Try going with this:
Step 3: The Magician
It is a scientific fact, nothing gets a chick hotter than a kick ass magician. Tell her you are one and you would like to show her a trick. Put your left hand straight up in the air and wiggle your fingers. Say something sexy like a magician would say. I like to go with this:
Step 4. She Never Had A Chance.
When that dullard looks up, and she will look up, punch her in the gut with all your might.
Step 5: Close The Deal
As she's doubled over in pain you should laugh at her and mock her. (Whatever you do, do not help her up, you will appear weak.) When she stops throwing up, ask for her number. (You should play it cool and act like you really don't even want it.) You might thump her in the head with your boot just to make sure she knows you are in charge. (note* Do not forget to pick up your change. If she threw up on your coins, dig in her purse to get fresh coins.)
Saturday, July 21, 2007
How To Pick Up A Smokin' Hot Chick In 5 Easy Steps!!!
16 Things it took me over 50+ years to learn
By: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Friday, July 20, 2007
The ABC’s Of Ex-Wives
A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls … which are now ours again.
C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House … which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids … the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”
Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong … which you always were.
X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Top 50 Things To Do To Stop Global Warming
Global warming is a dramatically urgent and serious problem. We don't need to wait for governments to solve this problem: each one of us can bring an important help adopting a more responsible lifestyle: starting from little, everyday things. It's the only reasonable way to save our planet, before it is too late.
Here is a list of 50 simple things that everyone can do in order to fight against and reduce the Global Warming phenomenon: some of them are at no cost, some other require a little investment but can help you save a lot of money, in the middle-long term!
-
Replace a regular incandescent light bulb with a compact fluorescent light bulb (cfl)
CFLs use 60% less energy than a regular bulb. This simple switch will save about 300 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. -
Install a programmable thermostat
Programmable thermostats will automatically lower the heat or air conditioning at night and raise them again in the morning. They can save you $100 a year on your energy bill. -
Move your thermostat down 2° in winter and up 2° in summer
Almost half of the energy we use in our homes goes to heating and cooling. You could save about 2,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year with this simple adjustment. The American Council for an Energy Efficient Economy has more tips for saving energy on heating and cooling. -
Clean or replace filters on your furnace and air conditioner
Cleaning a dirty air filter can save 350 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. -
Choose energy efficient appliances when making new purchases
Look for the Energy Star label on new appliances to choose the most efficient models available. -
Do not leave appliances on standby
Use the "on/off" function on the machine itself. A TV set that's switched on for 3 hours a day (the average time Europeans spend watching TV) and in standby mode during the remaining 21 hours uses about 40% of its energy in standby mode. -
Wrap your water heater in an insulation blanket
You’ll save 1,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year with this simple action. You can save another 550 pounds per year by setting the thermostat no higher than 50°C. -
Move your fridge and freezer
Placing them next to the cooker or boiler consumes much more energy than if they were standing on their own. For example, if you put them in a hot cellar room where the room temperature is 30-35ºC, energy use is almost double and causes an extra 160kg of CO2 emissions for fridges per year and 320kg for freezers. -
Defrost old fridges and freezers regularly
Even better is to replace them with newer models, which all have automatic defrost cycles and are generally up to two times more energy-efficient than their predecessors. -
Don't let heat escape from your house over a long period
When airing your house, open the windows for only a few minutes. If you leave a small opening all day long, the energy needed to keep it warm inside during six cold months (10ºC or less outside temperature) would result in almost 1 ton of CO2 emissions. -
Replace your old single-glazed windows with double-glazing
This requires a bit of upfront investment, but will halve the energy lost through windows and pay off in the long term. If you go for the best the market has to offer (wooden-framed double-glazed units with low-emission glass and filled with argon gas), you can even save more than 70% of the energy lost. -
Get a home energy audit
Many utilities offer free home energy audits to find where your home is poorly insulated or energy inefficient. You can save up to 30% off your energy bill and 1,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. Energy Star can help you find an energy specialist. -
Cover your pots while cooking
Doing so can save a lot of the energy needed for preparing the dish. Even better are pressure cookers and steamers: they can save around 70%! -
Use the washing machine or dishwasher only when they are full
If you need to use it when it is half full, then use the half-load or economy setting. There is also no need to set the temperatures high. Nowadays detergents are so efficient that they get your clothes and dishes clean at low temperatures. -
Take a shower instead of a bath
A shower takes up to four times less energy than a bath. To maximise the energy saving, avoid power showers and use low-flow showerheads, which are cheap and provide the same comfort. -
Use less hot water
It takes a lot of energy to heat water. You can use less hot water by installing a low flow showerhead (350 pounds of carbon dioxide saved per year) and washing your clothes in cold or warm water (500 pounds saved per year) instead of hot. -
Use a clothesline instead of a dryer whenever possible
You can save 700 pounds of carbon dioxide when you air dry your clothes for 6 months out of the year. -
Insulate and weatherize your home
Properly insulating your walls and ceilings can save 25% of your home heating bill and 2,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. Caulking and weather-stripping can save another 1,700 pounds per year. Energy Efficient has more information on how to better insulate your home. -
Be sure you’re recycling at home
You can save 2,400 pounds of carbon dioxide a year by recycling half of the waste your household generates. Earth 911 can help you find recycling resources in your area. -
Recycle your organic waste
Around 3% of the greenhouse gas emissions through the methane is released by decomposing bio-degradable waste. By recycling organic waste or composting it if you have a garden, you can help eliminate this problem! Just make sure that you compost it properly, so it decomposes with sufficient oxygen, otherwise your compost will cause methane emissions and smell foul. -
Buy intelligently
One bottle of 1.5l requires less energy and produces less waste than three bottles of 0.5l. As well, buy recycled paper products: it takes less 70 to 90% less energy to make recycled paper and it prevents the loss of forests worldwide. -
Choose products that come with little packaging and buy refills when you can
You will also cut down on waste production and energy use! -
Reuse your shopping bag
When shopping, it saves energy and waste to use a reusable bag instead of accepting a disposable one in each shop. Waste not only discharges CO2 and methane into the atmosphere, it can also pollute the air, groundwater and soil. -
Reduce waste
Most products we buy cause greenhouse gas emissions in one or another way, e.g. during production and distribution. By taking your lunch in a reusable lunch box instead of a disposable one, you save the energy needed to produce new lunch boxes. -
Plant a tree
A single tree will absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime. Shade provided by trees can also reduce your air conditioning bill by 10 to 15%. The Arbor Day Foundation has information on planting and provides trees you can plant with membership. -
Switch to green power
In many areas, you can switch to energy generated by clean, renewable sources such as wind and solar. The Green Power Network is a good place to start to figure out what’s available in your area. -
Buy locally grown and produced foods
The average meal in the United States travels 1,200 miles from the farm to your plate. Buying locally will save fuel and keep money in your community. -
Buy fresh foods instead of frozen
Frozen food uses 10 times more energy to produce. -
Seek out and support local farmers markets
They reduce the amount of energy required to grow and transport the food to you by one fifth. You can find a farmer’s market in your area at the USDA website. -
Buy organic foods as much as possible
Organic soils capture and store carbon dioxide at much higher levels than soils from conventional farms. If we grew all of our corn and soybeans organically, we’d remove 580 billion pounds of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere! -
Eat less meat
Methane is the second most significant greenhouse gas and cows are one of the greatest methane emitters. Their grassy diet and multiple stomachs cause them to produce methane, which they exhale with every breath. -
Reduce the number of miles you drive by walking, biking, carpooling or taking mass transit wherever possible
Avoiding just 10 miles of driving every week would eliminate about 500 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions a year! Look for transit options in your area. -
Start a carpool with your coworkers or classmates
Sharing a ride with someone just 2 days a week will reduce your carbon dioxide emissions by 1,590 pounds a year. eRideShare.com runs a free national service connecting commuters and travelers. -
Don't leave an empty roof rack on your car
This can increase fuel consumption and CO2 emissions by up to 10% due to wind resistance and the extra weight - removing it is a better idea. -
Keep your car tuned up
Regular maintenance helps improve fuel efficiency and reduces emissions. When just 1% of car owners properly maintain their cars, nearly a billion pounds of carbon dioxide are kept out of the atmosphere. -
Drive carefully and do not waste fuel
You can reduce CO2 emissions by readjusting your driving style. Choose proper gears, do not abuse the gas pedal, use the engine brake instead of the pedal brake when possible and turn off your engine when your vehicle is motionless for more than one minute. By readjusting your driving style you can save money on both fuel and car mantainance. -
Check your tires weekly to make sure they’re properly inflated
Proper inflation can improve gas mileage by more than 3%. Since every gallon of gasoline saved keeps 20 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, every increase in fuel efficiency makes a difference! -
When it is time for a new car, choose a more fuel efficient vehicle
You can save 3,000 pounds of carbon dioxide every year if your new car gets only 3 miles per gallon more than your current one. You can get up to 60 miles per gallon with a hybrid! You can find information on fuel efficiency on FuelEconomy and on GreenCars websites. -
Try car sharing
Need a car but don’t want to buy one? Community car sharing organizations provide access to a car and your membership fee covers gas, maintenance and insurance. Many companies – such as Flexcar - offer low emission or hybrid cars too! Also, see ZipCar. -
Try telecommuting from home
Telecommuting can help you drastically reduce the number of miles you drive every week. For more information, check out the Telework Coalition. -
Fly less
Air travel produces large amounts of emissions so reducing how much you fly by even one or two trips a year can reduce your emissions significantly. You can also offset your air travel by investing in renewable energy projects. -
Encourage your school or business to reduce emissions
You can extend your positive influence on global warming well beyond your home by actively encouraging other to take action. -
Join the virtual march
The Stop Global Warming Virtual March is a non-political effort to bring people concerned about global warming together in one place. Add your voice to the hundreds of thousands of other people urging action on this issue. -
Encourage the switch to renewable energy
Successfully combating global warming requires a national transition to renewable energy sources such as solar, wind and biomass. These technologies are ready to be deployed more widely but there are regulatory barriers impeding them. Take action to break down those barriers with Vote Solar. -
Protect and conserve forest worldwide
Forests play a critial role in global warming: they store carbon. When forests are burned or cut down, their stored carbon is release into the atmosphere - deforestation now accounts for about 20% of carbon dioxide emissions each year. Conservation International has more information on forests and global warming. -
Consider the impact of your investments
If you invest your money, you should consider the impact that your investments and savings will have on global warming. Check out SocialInvest and Ceres to can learn more about how to ensure your money is being invested in companies, products and projects that address issues related to climate change. -
Make your city cool
Cities and states around the country have taken action to stop global warming by passing innovative transportation and energy saving legislation. 194 cities nationwide representing over 40 million people have made this pledge as part of the U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement. Find out how to make your city a cool city. -
Tell Congress to act
The McCain Lieberman Climate Stewardship and Innovation Act would set a firm limit on carbon dioxide emissions and then use free market incentives to lower costs, promote efficiency and spur innovation. Tell your representative to support it. -
Make sure your voice is heard!
Americans must have a stronger commitment from their government in order to stop global warming and implement solutions and such a commitment won’t come without a dramatic increase in citizen lobbying for new laws with teeth. Get the facts about U.S. politicians and candidates at Project Vote Smart and The League of Conservation Voters. Make sure your voice is heard by voting! -
Share this list!
Send this page via e-mail to your buddies, digg it, add it to your favourite bookmark site (like del.icio.us); and if you're a blogger, blog it: the more people you will manage to enlighten, the greater YOUR help to save the planet will be (but please take action on first person too)!
What Credit Card Applications really mean!
So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?
What it says: “You have demonstrated financial responsibility…”
What it means: You’re breathing!
What it says: “Our membership is difficult to obtain…”
What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible… in most states!
What it says: “We have shortened the application process…”
What it means: “We need lots of new members fast or we’ll go out of business!”
What it says: “You have no predetermined credit limit…”
What it means: “We’re not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.”
What it says: “Exceptional Customer Service…”
What it means: Except when you need it!
What it says: “Trained customer representatives await your call…”
What it means: “This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?”
What it says: “To apply for membership, fill out this short form…”
What it means: You’ll get the long form later.
What it says: “You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else…”
What it means: “Catch us, if you can!”
What it says: “We look forward to receiving your completed application…”
What it means: “We baited the hook, let’s see if anyone bites!”
What it says: “You’ve been pre-approved…”
What it means: “You’ve been pre-approved to be Rejected!” or “We’ve already prepared your letter of denial.”
8 Ways to Avoid Germs
Germs — bacteria and viruses — not only threaten us, they can kill.
New scientific evidence is emerging that germs have been linked to heart disease and even cancer.
Do you have a program for limiting and reducing the number of germs that touch your body?
The winter cold and flu season may be upon us, but fighting germs is a yearlong effort.
Recently, WebMD magazine offered some helpful tips for minimizing your chances of picking up a bad bug. Some of their findings are most surprising!
Here are some ways to stop germs:
1. Don't Touch the First Floor Elevator Button!
In an elevator, the first-floor button harbors the most germs because more people touch it than any other button. If you can, let someone else push it so you don't have to touch it, said Charles Gerba, Ph.D., professor of microbiology at the University of Arizona.
If you're alone, use your elbow instead of your finger to press the button. [Use your elbow even if others are there. Who cares if they think you're a little strange!]
2. Dangerous Shopping Cart Handles
Shopping cart handles are prime culprits in the spread of germs. Some supermarkets now offer germ-killing towelette dispensers in the cart area. Bring your own if they don't. Use them to sanitize the cart handle — and never put fresh produce in the cart seat, where diaper-aged children often sit.
3. Watch Those Escalator Handrails
Escalator handrails are loaded with germs. Don't touch them if you can manage without it, Gerba advises.
4. Use the First Toilet
Research shows that most people use the middle stall in public bathrooms, so avoid those. More use means they're the dirtiest and have the most germs.
5. Office Coffee Pots Dripping With Disease
Your office coffee pot and mug may have been cleaned with a sponge dripping with germs (more on these later). Hang on to your own mug, and use a dishwasher when it's time to clean it. Another trick: Keep apple cider vinegar in the office and pour a water-cider solution through the coffee machine weekly. It will help kill bacteria.
6. Kitchen Woes
Be aware that kitchen sponges, dishcloths, the kitchen and bathroom sinks, cutting boards, and even the bathroom floor carry more germs than the toilet seat.
New research suggests that if you want to sterilize your sponge, put it in the microwave for two minutes.
A team of engineering researchers at the University of Florida found that two minutes of microwaving on full power killed or inactivated more than 99 percent of bacteria, viruses, or parasites, as well as spores, on a kitchen sponge.
7. Your Desk Is Dirtier Than the Toilet
Get this: the typical office desk area has 400 times the amount of bacteria than the average toilet seat. Worst offenders: first, the office phone. Then the desk. Finally, the keyboard. Use a disinfectant wipe to clean the desktop, computer keyboard, and phone.
8. Avoid Hand Shaking, Kissing
This may be an impossibility for some. But try to avoid shaking hands or kissing during the flu season.
While there are many steps in preventing disease, perhaps the most important is to wash your hands frequently.
Scrub your hands with warm water and soap for at least 15 to 20 seconds after using the bathroom; eating, working, or playing outdoors; playing with pets; or coughing, sneezing, or blowing your nose. Anything less than 15 seconds won't do the job.
Incredibly, 95 percent of people say they wash their hands after using the bathroom, but only 67 percent really do it. Worse, only 33 percent bother to use soap, and only 16 percent wash their hands long enough to remove germs.
One last caveat: Everyone is doing the "antibacterial craze" — getting soaps and wipes that kill germs. Dr. Russell Blaylock suggests occasional use of these products is fine, but frequent use may be bad.
Why?
The antibacterials also kill the good bacteria on your skin that your body needs to defend against the bad bacteria.
Source
Grandma's advice to virgin grand-daughter
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
